Papier-mâché Noses and Why YOU Should Wear Sunscreen

The Real Pinocchio (Source)

I’m in love with Pinocchio. There. I’ve said it. I think he’s an obnoxious little shit, kind of like Clifford from that Martin Short movie of the same name. My siblings and I would watch “Clifford” and go into hysterics whenever he entered the scene, whacking people upside the heads as he walked down the airplane aisles. Sorry, slight tangent there, but they remind me of each other, and they’ve both got ridiculous names.  I would be willing to place a bet that Rumplestiltskin was like those two when he was a boy. 

Now, I’ve gotta say, I’m not a fan of Disney’s Pinocchio. He’s too sweet. He’s annoying in the sense where I can’t help but think “Oh my gosh, you’re so naïve and stupid.” Pinocchio from the Italian story, on the other hand, is a completely different lad. He’s annoying in a “You know exactly what you’re doing you conniving, smarmy, little puppet” sort of way. It’s not only Pinocchio as a character that I love though; it’s the whole freaking book. Back in the last couple years of high school, my siblings and I would read a few pages a couple of nights a week. We each had several characters we would do the voices for and it wove its way into our routine. It became a part of our sibling history and provoked our peculiar sense of humor. I still think it’s utterly hysterical. I mean, did you know that the reason Pinocchio escapes from Monstro’s junk-filled belly is because he’s asthmatic and wheezed the little sucker out? Or that Pinocchio threw a shoe at the character dear old Jiminy is based on (okay, that’s not funny, that’s just cruel). Or another scene is when Pinocchio goes to the Blue Fairy’s house and a lovely snail answers his door-knocking by calling out from the third floor that he’ll be down in a jiffy… which for the snail takes about three hours. My favorite episode though, and the one that most accurately expresses the dark-humor of the tale, is when Pinocchio’s walking along and runs into a snake. He completely wigs out, trips, and ends up with his head and torso literally stuck in a puddle of mud with his wooden legs kicking in the air. The snake, just like my sibs and me, starts cracking up at this ludicrous scene, bursts a blood vessel, and dies. Fortunately, my laughter did not cause such a life-degrading medical dilemma. Rather, every time Pinocchio pops up, my heart chuckles a little. That’s why I’ve decided to be Pinocchio for Halloween, because it amuses me to no end.

I’ve already got the knee-length pants and shiny shoes. Now I just need to get me a blouse, a sweet hat with a feather… and a nose. How can one possibly be Pinocchio without the infamous nose? So, somehow, in the next couple of weeks,  I’ve got it in my mind that I’ll need to mix together some flour and water to make myself a papier-mâché nose to wear in all it’s glory on the 31^st. The question is, once I have it, how the hell do I attach it to my face?

My great grandfather had a fake nose once and I’ve got to question that too. How did he attach his nose to his face? (FYI, he had skin cancer from being out in the sun too long without protection. Ladies and Gentlemen, please remember to wear sunscreen). My mom’s got this great story about a vacation she took with him and the rest of her family where they stayed at some castle in Athol (hehe… pretend you’ve got a lisp), Scotland.  It sounds awesome, right? However, there was only one restroom on the floor they were staying on. One night my great grandfather gets up from the dream world to go to the bathroom but someone’s in there. He waits awhile and eventually a lady walks out. Being the civil, gentlemanly Texan he was, he greeted her:

“Hello Madam.”

Talk about the end of civility. The lady started screaming and running down the hall back towards her room. Turns out he had his nose on crooked, his white hair was styled Albert Einstein-esque from just hopping out of bed, and his coke-bottle glasses were magnifying his eyes. I can imagine that his appearance could be a little startling, especially if you’re half asleep. Thus, I’m going to have to figure out this whole fake nose thing so I can pull it off. I’m thinking this whole Halloween idea only really amuses me though.

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?